Wait, What?! Decode Your Spouse
Sharing your life with another human being can be hard! Many of the reasons we fall in love are “big things” – shared values, hobbies, life dreams. But the day-to-day of relationships involves a lot of mundane nuts and bolts. Laundry that needs to get done, dishes that need to be washed, kids that need rides, plans that need to be coordinated. This is where tensions arise, because each of us approaches the day-to-day in a different way. Often, we attribute these differences to the way we were raised – and certainly some of that is true. Maybe you prefer to stack the cups rim-down versus right-side-up because that’s how your family always did it.
But a lot of the way we approach the day-to-day is actually a product of our unique genetic wiring.
Our genes influence the way our brains develop, in the same way they impact our natural hair color. Those subtle differences in the ways our brains are wired cause us to experience the world in different ways. That is why something that might be incredibly annoying or upsetting to you is not a big deal to your partner. And they can’t understand why it’s such a big deal to you. It’s not the way their brain works; it doesn’t make sense to them.
To illustrate this point, let’s talk about loading the dishwasher. Clearly, there is a right and a wrong way to load the dishwasher – kidding! But there are a lot of strong ideas out there about dishwasher loading, which I use as a metaphor for the broader way we approach the world: are you someone who likes more order and planning? Or are you someone who is more spontaneous, less worried about the details?
In my book, The Child Code, I talk about the “Big Three” – three dimensions that children differ on that can play a big role in they respond to their parents. Importantly, by understanding how our children are wired, it can help improve our relationships with them, and guide us in how to parent them.
But it’s not just our kids – it’s all of us! We all have natural tendencies and vary in the way we approach and respond to other people. So, in the same way that understanding how your child is wired can help you in your parenting, understanding how your partner is wired can help you navigate your relationship with them. Mismatches between spouses on The Big Three (and other dimensions) are often at the root of problems that couples experience.
So what are The Big Three?
The Big Three (also called The Three E’s) are Extraversion, Emotionality, and Effortful Control.
Extraversion refers to how much we derive energy from being around others, versus how much downtime on our own we need to recharge. Is your perfect idea of a Friday night being surrounded by a big group of friends at a party, or spending time on the couch with your partner?
Emotionality refers to how we experience and deal with fear, frustration, or distress. Some of us have brains that are more prone to these experiences. We are more likely to worry and to be concerned about a variety of things.
Effortful control refers to the ability to regulate our emotions and behavior. It goes by many names: self-control, self-regulation, impulsivity. I use the term Effortful control because it reminds us that it takes effort not to do whatever we want, whenever we want! But for some of us it takes more effort than for others depending on our unique genetic wiring. There are actually many different types of situations that require effortful control: sometimes we need to get ourselves motivated to do something (get up and go to the gym), sometimes we need to get ourselves to stop (eating that extra piece of cake). Sometimes we have to stick with things that are boring (doing work, paying bills). And sometimes we have to keep ourselves from doing something we’ll regret, either when we are in a really good mood (e.g., a night of overindulgence after a promotion), or in a really bad mood (e.g., telling off the boss). People can vary in how much effortful control they have across different types of situations.
The Big Three Exercise
Here’s an exercise you can do with your partner to get an idea of where each of you fall on the Big Three.
On a scale of 1 to 10, how much do the following statements describe you?
Jot down your numbers for each question.
1 = not at all like you
10 = completely like you
Extraversion
Are you someone who gets energy from being in the company others?
Do you enjoy large parties and meeting new people?
Are you someone who is talkative and full of energy?
Are you someone who is outgoing and social?
Emotionality
Are you someone who gets nervous easily?
Do you worry a lot?
Are you someone who easily gets down or feels blue?
Do you get very frustrated or upset when things don’t go as planned?
Effortful Control
Are you good at making a plan and following through?
Do you think about things carefully before you do them?
Do you have a tendency to do crazy things when you are in a really good or a really bad mood?
Do you enjoy taking risks?
Tally up your points and compare how each of you scored across the Big Three E’s.
Here’s how to assess your scores:
<15 means you’re on the low end
16–26 medium range
>27 you’re on the high end
Note that these aren’t precise cut-offs; there’s nothing magical about those numbers.
They are just intended to give you a sense of where you fall on each dimension relative to your partner.
How matched/mismatched are you on each dimension?
Bonus activity: Score your partner on the above items and see how your scores compare to their own. That also gives you insight into how you perceive one another; remember our own unique wiring influences how we experience other people!
Here’s why this matters:
When spouses are mismatched on The Big Three, it can lead to tension. These tensions play out in the minuscule day-to-day routine, so you probably aren’t consciously aware of the underlying cause.
Mismatches on Extraversion
This can lead to tension surrounding how you spend your time. The more extraverted partner may want to spend more time in the company of others or out on the town, while the more introverted partner may prefer to spend time with just the two of you. This can lead to resentment: the more introverted partner doesn’t understand why it’s not “enough” to spend time with them, while the more extraverted partner may start to feel like their partner doesn’t want to do fun things or be a part of their life.
Mismatches on Emotionality
If one partner is low on Emotionality and naturally handles stress more easily, they may not understand why their significant other gets so upset when the children are running wild when they’re trying to get everyone packed to leave for family vacation. Conversely, the partner who is higher on emotionality may feel like they are being dismissed when they are told to “calm down” or that they are making a big deal out of nothing.
Mismatches on Effortful Control
If one partner is higher on risk-taking, they may be more comfortable with your child climbing to the top of tall trees, while the other parent gets upset because they feel like their partner is being careless with their child’s safety. If one partner is naturally disposed to being a planner or good at follow-through, they may not understand why their partner can’t get the house chores done without getting distracted by more interesting pursuits. They may interpret it as disrespectful.
Having different ways of approaching things – whether it’s child care, dishwasher loading, or vacation planning – is the root cause of many relationship challenges. Over time, the differences can start to create rifts and, if you’re not careful, everything can turn into a battle. Sometimes those differences can cause you to start to resent your partner. Why can’t they just ________ (fill in the blank with the thing you’ve asked them to do a million times)?!
This is a natural reaction, because we only know our way of being in the world. The right way to care for the children, load a dishwasher, or make plans seems “obvious” and straightforward because it’s the way our brain works. But just like we have different hair colors and body shapes, we have brains that are wired differently. That means that very often we see things in very different ways.
That can make living with anyone challenging – even when you are both wonderful people with good intentions.
So how do you navigate those in-grained, in-born differences?
The first thing you can do is recognize that your partner is (probably) not trying to annoy you or ignore your requests. They just have a brain that works differently. So, working together requires patience and understanding as you try to understand how each other’s’ brains work and come up with strategies to work together. Here are three steps to bridge the divide.
Approach with Curiosity
Too often we jump to an assumption about the other person – that they were being rude, or selfish, or mean. But the way we see it is just one interpretation of the situation. Imagine you come home from a day of running errands only to discover that the laundry is still unfolded on the bed, the dishes are in the sink, and there are toys strewn about the house. “Are you kidding me?!” you think. “I have been gone all day doing errands for the family, and they couldn’t even pick up around the house. How inconsiderate!”
But imagine that your partner instead intentionally used the day to connect with the children because (s)he has been working a lot. Perhaps you have been commenting on how they need to spend more time with the kids. So, your partner might be thinking you will be happy because they have spent the entire day focused on quality bonding time with the kiddos. Now imagine their surprise (and frustration) when you come home and are all worked up about the toys. Admittedly, that might not be purely hypothetical. It’s played out in our house in various forms many times.
The first step to breaking the frustration cycle is to take a deep breath, and before laying into your partner with your perspective (“You didn’t clean up the house!”), practice the mantra: “Let me try to understand their perspective.”
Remember the old saying “There’s two sides to every story”? It turns out it doesn’t just refer to the fact that one person might be omitting some of the facts to support their side (as is frequently the case with my children!), it can literally refer to the fact that we see the world in different ways.
When we start to see our partner as “the other” (read: the person standing in the way of getting what we want), it becomes harder to understand where they are coming from. Trying to see the world from their perspective, and helping them to understand yours, is one way to help rebuild the connection between you.
One straightforward way to cultivate perspective sharing is to use “I statements”. So instead of saying “You never clean up the house!”, instead try, “I get frustrated when I come home and the house is dirty”. That’s far less likely to make your partner defensive than “You said you were going to clean up today!” To which, they are likely to respond with another “You statement”: “Well YOU don’t always clean up when you’re with the kids either!”. It’s a cycle that goes nowhere good.
Using “I” statements helps your partner understand how your brain works, and also gives you insight into how their brain works. Take turns sharing your perspectives. “I thought you were going to clean up the house” more easily leads to “I thought it was more important to spend time with the kids”. You don’t necessarily have to agree, but now you have a foundation to work from.
Aim for empathy
A key part of understanding your partner’s perspective is really listening to what they are saying. Too often when someone else is talking we are thinking about what we will say next. We are formulating our rebuttal, as if we’re on a debate team. Try instead to really, truly listen to your partner and understand what they are saying. There is research showing that empathy builds our connection to other people, which is good for our health and well-being¹, in addition to our relationships!
The other great thing is that empathy can be cultivated. One of the ways to grow empathy is to nurture gratitude. Try to remind yourself of your partner’s strengths, of all the ways they enrich your life, of what your life would be like if they weren’t in it. Yes, there may be fewer socks left on the floor (sigh), but hopefully the joy they bring into your life makes a few stray socks worth it.
There is also evidence that gratitude makes us better at considering others feelings². So, when you feel yourself getting upset with your partner, it can help to take a deep breath and remember the things you love about them before you start the conversation (hint: it’s good to have a few of these thought through beforehand so you can readily retrieve them; it’s harder to conjure up their best qualities when you’re staring at a pile of laundry).
Get on the same team
Too often when we have differences with our significant other, we approach our partner as the adversary. I want to do it this way, and they are making it difficult! Why won’t they just see it my way? The reality is that they can’t.
I will admit this is one of the hardest things for me to accept and internalize. The problem is that I think if I can just get my significant other to see my logic, if I can just explain my thinking sufficiently, they will adopt my perspective (read: agree with me, see I wasn’t at fault, or see that my way is better). But here’s why that doesn’t work. Their brain is coded differently. So, you partner might understand what you’re saying, but that doesn’t guarantee they will see it your way.
The way to get around this is that rather than focusing on the other person as the problem, or trying to sway them to your perspective, focus on the problem itself. Reframe the issue as a common problem that the two of you have to tackle (e.g., how is the dishwasher going to get loaded without someone getting mad; how are we doing to balance your need to spend time with the children with my need for help around the house). After all, there’s a reason that you’re called partners. Sometimes the best thing to do when you’re upset with yours is to step away and decide on a time when the two of you will come back together with the mindset of tackling the problem as a team.
And here’s the best part: there is evidence that teams benefit when different perspectives are represented, because you can capitalize on the good associated with both world-views. It turns out there’s actually not a “best” way to be. There are good and not-so-good things associated with being a planner, and good and not-so-good things associated with being more spontaneous and go-with-the-flow. There are good and not-so-good things about being a people-person, and good and not-so-good things about appreciating quiet time to yourself. The key to relationship success is to understand and appreciate the unique qualities each of you bring to the partnership, and figure out how to capitalize on your strengths and navigate the inevitable tension points. All of that starts by recognizing that your differences originate with your unique genetic wiring and the cascade of ways that influences how we each move through the world.
Quick reference take-aways for navigating predispositions and partners:
Use “I” statements – reduces defensiveness and shares your perspective on the situation, rather than making assumptions about theirs
Really listen – when your partner is talking, focus on understanding where they are coming from, not your rebuttal to what they are saying
Nurture gratitude – remind yourself of the things you appreciate about your partner before going into any difficult conversation
Focus on the problem itself – reframe the conversation as an issue that the two of you will navigate together instead of an issue that pits you against each other
References
Reblin M, Uchino BN. Social and emotional support and its implication for health. Curr Opin Psychiatry. 2008;21(2):201‐205. doi:10.1097/YCO.0b013e3282f3ad89
Emmons & McCullough “Counting Blessings versus burdens, JPSP, 84